Derek Zoolander Character Blog

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 

‒Ralph Waldo Emerson

Once the world’s greatest male model, Derek Zoolander eventually began searching for something more meaningful than fame, fashion, and being really, really, ridiculously good-looking. Yet every attempt to leave that life behind only pulled him back into a world of conspiracies, exploitation, and increasingly absurd chaos. Beneath the impossible hairstyles and spectacular lack of common sense, however, lies a surprisingly capable and genuinely sincere man who has survived far more than any model reasonably should. Will Derek Zoolander prove he’s really, really, ridiculously difficult to kill? Let’s find out how much he could pack on a DEATH BATTLE!

Before We Start…

Our research for Zoolander consists of only three movies: the original Zoolander, the awful sequel Zoolander 2, and the somehow even worse and barely acknowledged Zoolander: Super Model. Wait, what??? Yeah, Zoolander actually has a cartoon movie. It was originally planned around 2011 as a series of short animated episodes meant to release online, but that idea got scrapped midway through production. Instead, everything was stitched together into a single 84 minute movie, which first released on Netflix in the UK and Ireland in 2016 before finally getting a wider release in May 2020 during the pandemic. It might be less grounded than the previous movies, but it’s still an actual sequel that seemingly takes place after the first Zoolander movie (given Matilda is alive and the events of the second movie likely are an alternate timeline), not a dream sequence or anything like that. And since it’s basically the only thing keeping Zoolander competitive for a versus scenario, we’re compositing Derek. More on its crazy shenanigans during the analysis. For a single character. There is no oponnent in Ba Sing Se. There is no opponent within the blog. Here we are safe. Here we are free.

CREDITS
Zoolander Research: Flip, Garf, Grimes
Calcs: Kaiserin
New Edits: L.A.D.

Background

“The original Greek word for model means ‘misshapen ball of clay’.” Derek’s quote might be completely wrong, but it perfectly summarizes his journey. Derek Zoolander was considered the greatest male model alive, a celebrity whose absurdly handsome face and signature looks like Blue Steel turned him into an icon across the entire fashion industry. But beneath the fame, Derek was painfully empty, with his entire identity revolving around being attractive. After losing the VH1 Male Model of the Year award to the rising star Hansel McDonald, his life immediately spiraled downhill. His closest model friends died in a freak gasoline fight accident, his family rejected him when he tried returning to his old life in New Jersey, and the fashion world itself began treating him as outdated and disposable. Lost and desperate for purpose, Derek unknowingly became the perfect pawn for the corrupt designer Jacobim Mugatu, who brainwashed him into assassinating the Prime Minister of Malaysia as part of a conspiracy to preserve child labor within the fashion industry.

But throughout this ridiculous conspiracy, Derek slowly realized there was more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. With the help of journalist Matilda Jeffries, who initially mocked him before genuinely falling in love with him, and even his former rival Hansel, Derek uncovered Mugatu’s plan and saved the Prime Minister before the assassination could happen. For the first time in his life, Derek found something real beyond superficial fame. He and Matilda eventually married and had a son together, Derek Zoolander Jr., while Derek opened the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too, finally giving meaning to a life that once revolved entirely around appearances… and here’s where the sequels split.

In one continuity, only two days after the Center opened, it collapsed due to sabotaged construction, killing Matilda. Consumed by guilt and eventually losing custody of his son, Derek disappeared from the public eye until he and Hansel were dragged back into the fashion world to investigate a string of celebrity murders connected to Blue Steel, with a glimpse of his telepathy coming back in the game. In the other continuity, Matilda and Derek instead broke up, while Derek and Hansel somehow became actual superheroes, saving the celebrity world from absurd fashion related threats. Hansel relied on his “Hanselventions” and acrobatic skills to save the day, while Derek’s signature looks evolved into literal superpowers instead of just being limited to Magnum. After battling show-of-the-week villains like Dr. Botoxo and Paparocto, Matilda was kidnapped and the team had to face all of their countless villains at the same time, led by the 10 year old Nani, a girl obsessed with worldwide fashion domination. They eventually rescued Matilda from the evil child mastermind, and the couple reignited their flame again. Regardless of continuity, though, Derek never truly lost his sincerity. Beneath the exaggerated poses, clueless behavior, and manufactured celebrity image was someone constantly searching for purpose and genuine human connection in an industry that only valued him for his appearance.

Skill & Experience

There’s really not that much to say here given the movies are mostly comedic and all that… but we can still dig a bit into Derek as a fighter. For starters, his modeling career always forced him to be at his peak physical condition, which is even a relevant plot point on why male models were always manipulated into countless conspiracies across time. His biggest strength has never been intelligence, but Derek constantly found himself caught in dangerous situations and yet somehow managed to pull through them through a mix of improvisation, luck and genuine instinct. In terms of fighting skills, while brainwashed by Mugatu, Derek was specifically trained to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia, even being taught forms of karate and close combat to carry out the mission. Although he’s far from a disciplined fighter, Derek still displays decent prowess, as he can simultaneously fight Evil and Regular Kanye West, beating them both hand to hand. His agility should also be comparable to Hansel’s, who in Super Model is capable of highly acrobatic movements and combat skills. And despite his reputation as an airhead, Derek occasionally shows surprising cleverness when under pressure. During Super Model, he was able to outsmart Paparazzo by tricking him into electrocuting himself, and has repeatedly managed to disrupt the plans of far more intelligent opponents through quick thinking or exploiting their overconfidence.

Equipment and Vehicles

Z-Plane

Think of the supermodel version of the Batcave all compacted inside of the Batwing, with aerodynamics more questionable than Gru’s ship.

Abilities

Magnum

The first glimpse of his superpowers, the one and only, Magnum. It’s basic psychokinesis, where he saved the Prime Minister of Malaysia from a Magnum Ninja Star.

Blue Steel

In Zoolander 2, Derek’s iconic look was able to telekinetically catch a bomb before it fell into a pool of lava and blast Mugatu into a wall hard enough to crack it. In Super Model, it's a bit different, as it is so powerful it could dismantle an evil carpet venom-esque creature.

Helvetica Bold

Another psychokinesis attack that Derek used, this time to wrap Paparocto with his own arms.

Magnetic North

And another psychokinesis attack that Derek used, this time to wrap Nani with a banner.

Lyrical Beauty of a Terrance Malik Film

Psychokinesis again, used to lift a truck really high.

Chewy

Derek sends out a ray that can make things explode.

Volumize and Hold

It can create force fields, used to counter flames from a dragon.

Norwegian Fury

Another force field, used to counter Dr Botoxo's throwing scalpels.

Chai Latte

When suspicious of what could be the disguise of the Evil Red Carpet, given it has morphing abilities, Derek used this move that can make clothes disintegrate on the poor Scarlett Johansson.

Hot Mess Look

Self explanatory, it burns things. Just make sure you have burned everything you need from a regenerating evil alien carpet.

Disintegrating Look

It doesn't have an official name, but he was really angry at Hansel.

Collapsing Look

Another no named power used to kill the Star F***er. The speed it takes for the target to disappear seems to depend on the mass.

Liquid Ice

Seems like some sort of generic force beam he can rapid fire.

Double Rainbow

A bigger rainbow beam that clearly comes with a punch.

Crush Donney

Just another force beam, nothing impressive.

Plastic Surgery

Can instantly give you a plastic surgery in the regions Derek selects, free for you to regret and call a doctor desperately. What is his problem?

Gunther Geiger Grooming

It can be used to trap enemies in place, but if someone is strong enough they can break out of it.

Static Cleaning

Do you know what the static effect (or static electricity) is? That's basically it, he used to grab guns from police cops telepathically and they went flying to his face.

Psychic Parachute

What's the point of doing this if he can literally fly?

Jungle Fever

It can cast vines to grow off the ground and they're really durable.

Multivitamin

Derek's newest ultimate look in this continuity, it's used to create clones. Despite the animation here looking like he only created 6 clones, he actually created at least 11 Dereks (as seen in later GIFs), leaving 12 counting the original.

Windburn

It makes a really strong gust of wind that blows wigs away

Hashtag Zoolander

It’s basically an electrocuting ray, with average electricity (not thunder) powers. Sorry Megamind fans.

Falcon Claw

Derek can use Falcon Claw to fly, but given the next ability, we imagine this makes him slightly stronger too, given the yellow aura.

Purple Flying

Unnamed power that is the same thing as Falcon Claw but purple.

Flight

Reused GIF, we know. Anyways, he doesn’t need Falcon Claw or other looks to fly off apparently, weeeeeee….

Phallic Control

He can move his giant little friend at will.

Glutes Control

He can shake his ass without moving the rest of his body. His butt is so majestic it gave a man a heart attack.

Partial Invisibility

He made parts of his belly invisible so a little girl could see his insides and understand the effects of what a supermodel diet does to the body.

4th Wall Awareness

He's just aware that there's an audience and nothing more.

Resistances

• Extreme heat: Don’t you sometimes wish that you could have a lava pool party with your good friend Owen Wilson? Well, Derek was able to live out said wish as he and Hansel were fine after jumping straight into boiling lava
• Electricity: seemed fine when he used himself to shock Paparocto, makes sense when combined with the fact he also has electric attacks

Forms

Stone Phillips

While technically it’s nothing more than one of his look abilities, it modifies his body enough to be considered as a form. With this look, he can turn into a stone-like statue that is so durable it can fall from great heights and break ceilings and keep himself completely intact. It has a drawback though, as he is completely unable to move while under this form.

Fat Zoolander

Dr. Botoxo had a ray that made him and Hansel fat, ough. Because of that, they got washed in the model community, it was later undone. Themes and such man I don’t know.

Support

…himself?

After using Multivitamin, the clones seemed to stay permanently, as they helped in the fight until the end. Originally 12, one of them died, leaving the group to 11 Dereks.

Feats

Overall

• Won VH1 Male Model of the Year many times before Hansel ruined his streak
• Survived the freak gasoline fight accident that tragically killed all his friends except himself
• Saved the Prime Minister of Malaysia by stopping a shuriken inches away from his face with Magnum
• Founded the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too
• Infiltrated the secretive “Fashion Illuminati” responsible for manipulating world events from the shadows
• Reunited with his son and defeated Mugatu for good
• Got milked once

Power

• Restrained Giant Lady Gaga with Jungle Fever
• Burned the Red Carpet to smithereens with Hot Mess - (220 - 260º C)
• Melted a laptop - (295 - 315º C)
• Disintegrates Star Fucker with help from 7 other Zoolanders
• Lifted a milk truck high above the ground with the Lyrical Beauty of a Terrence Malik Film - (931.944 KiloJoules; 13 Metric Tons)
• Busted through the floors of a building with Falcon Claw - (3.64 MegaJoules)
• Together with Hansel, busted a large hole in a wall - (2.58 - 8.92 MegaJoules)
• Destroyed a giant robot with Chewie - (7.734 Tons of TNT)
• Together with Derek Jr, Hansel, and Sting, rammed Mugatu into a wall

Speed

• Was able to stop a thrown shuriken in its tracks with Magnum before it could hit the prime minister
• Hashtag Zoolander fires a bolt of electricity - (Mach 1)

Durability

• Endures being bitten by Mugatu and getting strangled by a chain
• Is only mildly annoyed by Hansel throwing a bunch of remotes and metal bottles at his face
• Survives getting whipped by All
• Survives getting a knife thrown into his cheek
• Survives getting slammed into Hansel by an angry Hulk Maury and tossed away

Scaling

Misc Zoolander Characters

Derek’s super model looking powers are capable of restraining and killing a lot of his allies and villains, so scaling to them is a no brainer.

• Frankie JPEG broke through a wall
• Frankie JPEG flew through a ceiling
• Hansel lifted and threw a computer, smashing it
• Hansel endures being on top of an active helicopter
• Hansel can survive being punched by an angered Hulk Maury multiple times
• Mugatu can survive being slammed into a wall by four different stare telekinesis blasts
• Mugatu can snap a person's neck - (910 Joules)
  • Justin Bieber can snap a person’s neck
• Hulk Maury destroys 6 robots by body smashing them
• Hulk Maury picks up a post from the ground
• Hulk Maury smashes a police car
• Hulk Maury makes a hole on the ground by falling from a tree - (1.78 MegaJoules)
• Giant Lady Gaga broke the Arc de Triomphe by falling on it - (32.495 Tons of TNT)
• Hansel can dodge multiple high hell shuriken shoes
• Hansel can toss his boomerang at high speeds into the Louvre glass pyramid - (Mach 0.412)
• Hansel can swing his Hairbrush Katana at high speeds - (Mach 0.414)

Weaknesses

Well, there’s no beating around the bush, Derek is very stupid and constantly quotes things incorrectly. Somehow, this still never stopped him from saving the celebrity world as a superhero. Even with all his luck, though, he’s far from optimal all the time. The easiest way to defeat the Red Evil Carpet would’ve been using Chai Latte immediately, but instead he kept relying on Blue Steel and Hot Mess, which only let the villain secretly regenerate again. Another major weakness is that his powers depend on his ability to actually perform his looks, so if something compromises that, like blinding him, he basically loses access to his abilities altogether. He’s also vulnerable to mind control, otherwise the entire first movie literally would not have happened. If any JJK fans are reading this, please don't have a boner, but he's also a victim of bad piercing durability. Also, both of his sequels suck ass. Holy shit.

Summary

Skill

Derek surprisingly shows a lot of competence and skill when it comes to fighting and martial arts, even more surprisingly showing a lot of cleverness to defeat quite a league of villains, but it will ultimately fall flat compared to any character that has actual training and martial arts mastery, and so on.

Speed

Throughout the movies, Derek basically never performs any notable speed feat. Stopping the ninja star is fairly impressive, but in terms of Raw Calculable Scaling it falls pretty short. In Super Model, he receives quite the upgrade. Thanks to scaling to Hansel, who consistently performs feats at around Mach 0.41, Zoolander comfortably sits in the subsonic range. Although he has Mach 1 attack speeds with Hashtag Zoolander, there's no evidence this scales to his reaction speeds.

Power

If you just watch the movies, you would probably think Zoolander is at best a peak human character, and is thus completely outmatched by most fictional characters. You will have feats like Mugatu snapping necks, Hansel breaking a table by falling, the cast cracking a wall and sending Mugatu flying, nothing too crazy. However, with the Super Model cartoon, Zoolander gets much, MUCH better showings and scaling. For example, Hansel and Derek can also both get beat up by Hulk Maury, who can make a hole in the ground yielding 1.71 MegaJoules just by falling. Not only that, but Hansel and Derek can also bust a huge hole in a wall physically too, a feat that can yield values of 2.58 to 8.92 MegaJoules for each. Hardly inconsistent, as Derek himself is capable of flying through multiple floors of a building, yielding 3.64 MegaJoules. Physically, this gives Derek impressive strength and durability that are nothing to scoff at. But that’s not all. Thanks to his many different Looks, Derek has access to a beam that can destroy a giant robot, yielding 7.73 Tons of TNT, and not only that, his vines summoned with Jungle Fever can restrain Giant Lady Gaga, who can fall over the Arc de Triomphe and shatter its top, which would need at least 32.495 Tons of TNT, around City Block. Since Zoolander’s looks are basically psychic powers, it’s not a jump to say they should have similar energy yields to each other, giving Derek several offensive options in a fight, beyond having force fields that would be impervious to opponent's attacks or just restraining options that can incapacitate most, almost a tie-in to our last point to revise.

Abilities

Starting with Zoolander’s mobility tools, he can fly, which is a great advantage if you wanna creat distance from other opponents. In terms of defensive tools, Zoolander’s force fields can cover wide areas and are perfectly suited for blocking projectiles, like how he used to block Dr. Botoxo’s scalpels. In terms of offense, he has multiple beams that can project force, cause explosions, incinerate, electrocute or even erase things entirely. Not only that, but Derek also has access to several Looks that can restrain most people, be it with vines from the ground or other objects from the environment. Consider, as well, that there are 11 Zoolanders fighting at the same time thanks to Multivitamin. Not only do they all possess the same abilities as the original, but they're also remarkably coordinated, giving Derek quite the edge and ensuring he has any fight in the purse bag.